Unique Speed Dating Events and Personal Growth Classes for Singles in Denver & Beyond
"Celebrating 10 years of transitioning singles to couples."
Phone: (303) 750-2208 E-mail: melody@singlesworkshops.com
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Unique Speed Dating Events and Personal Growth Classes for Singles in Denver & Beyond "Celebrating 10 years of transitioning singles to couples." Phone: (303) 750-2208 E-mail: melody@singlesworkshops.com
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By Melody Ellenberger In this article, I have summarized Sociologist Paul Bohannan's Six Facets of Divorce and have added my own personal reflections at the end of each numbered paragraph. 1. The Emotional Divorce - involves withholding positive emotions and communications from the relationship, and typically replacing these with alienating feelings and behavior. Partners no longer reinforce but rather undermine each other's self-esteem through endless large and small betrayals: responding with blame rather than comfort to a spouse's disastrous day, for instance, or refusing to go to a party given by the spouse's family, friends or colleagues. As emotional divorce intensifies, betrayals become greater. Spouses feel profoundly disappointed, misunderstood and rejected. Because the other's very existence and presence is a symbol of failure and rejection, the spouses continually grate on each other. They hurt each other as they communicate their frustration by look, posture and tone of voice. Melody's side-note: Emotional divorces will continue to occur in every relationship--married or not--if the partners have not dumped their emotional baggage and learned how to communicate lovingly 24 hrs. a day/7days a week... 2. The Legal Divorce - the dissolution of the marriage by the state through a court order terminating the marriage. The principal purpose of the legal divorce is to dissolve the marriage contract so that emotionally divorced spouses can conduct economically separate lives and be free to remarry. Melody's side-note: One has to wonder about the people who delay their legal divorce, or exist on a legal separation for several years. Are they subconsciously avoiding being "free to marry?" They never have to experience the horrors of divorce, if they are never "free to remarry"....hmmmm, how convenient... 3. The Community Divorce - Marriage is a public announcement to the community that two individuals have joined their lives. Marriage usually also joins extended families and friendship networks and simultaneously removes individuals from the world of dating and mate seeking. Divorce occasions reverse changes in social networks. Important changes in one's lifestyle almost invariably mean changes in one's community of friends. Separating from one's former community of friends and in-laws is part of the pain of divorce. Over three-quarters of the women in one study reported losing friends during or after the divorce (Arendell 1986). Those who are newly divorced must find new communities to replace old friendships that are no longer mutually satisfying. Melody's side-note: Beware of the divorced person who is still very close to their ex-spouse characterized by frequent phone calls or visits in person several times a month, which have very little or perhaps nothing to do with co-parenting issues. This person may not yet have achieved a "community divorce" and is therefore, not yet emotionally available for a new partner and new community. "If you look too long at the closed door behind you, you won't see the open ones ahead of you." 4. The Psychic Divorce - the regaining of psychological autonomy through emotional separation from the personality and influence of the former spouse. Just as a gradual process of emotional estrangement starts long before the actual legal event of divorce, the partners' emotional involvement often continues long after. To be successful, a psychic divorce requires a period of mourning and there are 3 stages to this process: 1) denial or the inability to accept the divorce situation; 2) anger and depression; 3) taking responsibility for their own part in the demise of the relationship, forgiving themselves and their ex-mate and proceeding with their lives. In the process of the Psychic Divorce, one learns to feel whole and complete again and to have faith in one's ability to cope with the world. Melody's side-note: Unfortunately, many divorced people never make it to the 3rd stage, which means they are stuck in the 2nd stage—which makes them a very poor dating choice. 5. Economic Divorce - becoming a distinct economic unit, each with its own property, income, control of expenditures, and responsibility for taxes, debts and so on. Melody's side-note: Beware of the person who is still financially assisting or receiving assistance from a former partner when there is no legal reason for them doing so. Are they trying to pay for/accept payment for guilt? Monetary gifts don't eliminate guilt or betrayal or loneliness, etc., etc., etc... 6. The Co-Parental Divorce - this is mainly experienced by divorcing couples who have children under 18 years of age. One of the more difficult and recurrent moments in life after divorce is the transfer of the child from one parent to the other. It is easier for both children and parents when former spouses cooperate over custody and financial issues. Many studies indicate that much of what appear to be negative results for children of divorce are probably not simply the results of divorce per se, but also of parental and family conflict before, during and after the divorce. A divorce undertaken thoughtfully and realistically can teach children how to confront serious life problems with compassion, wisdom and appropriate action. Melody's side-note: It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with a person who is experiencing frequent conflict with an ex-partner regarding co-parenting issues. The level of conflict is proportionate to their level of emotional availability to you. Ecclesiastes 3:1 - There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. |
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