"DEVELOPING A POSITIVE ATTITUDE TOWARD MARRIAGE"
By Melody Ellenberger
In last month’s article we looked at the origins of a negative attitude toward marriage. This month we’re focusing on how to begin looking at marriage in a positive light. Whether or not at this time you intend to ever be married/married again, this is a concept that requires greater understanding if you hope to experience a healthy, lasting relationship.
I believe a positive attitude toward marriage is necessary as marriage is about two people sharing their lives with the foundation of a deep, lasting commitment. And let’s be honest, most singles yearn to share their lives with someone. Most singles do not want to continue a pattern of short-term relationships for the remainder of their lives. Most singles do not want to pile up heartbreaks and end up with layers and layers of resentment.
Now, let’s look at the steps toward developing a positive attitude toward marriage:
STEP #1: COME OUT OF DENIAL! "You can’t help anyone who doesn’t believe they have a problem." If you’re reading this and you’re thinking, "I don’t have a problem with marriage. It’s fine for some people—it’s just not for me." Well, why is it not for you? I believe the reason many singles avoid marriage is because they don’t believe it will be a happy experience. And where did that belief come from??? Hmmmm??? Yep, old wounds still lingering in the memory banks of your brain. People remain in denial because it is the easy thing to do. Facing a problem can be difficult and takes work, right? But the rewards of moving out of denial and toward healing are worth it.
STEP #2: Move toward healing by making a list of 5 to 10 experiences in your life that have led you to believe that marriage would be an unhappy existence. To give you a starting point, here’s the list from last month’s article:
 | Memories from previous marriage |
| Memories of parents’ marriage |
| TV shows |
| Commercials/ads |
| Movies |
| Song lyrics |
| Married friends’ put-downs of their spouse/marriage |
| _______________________________________ |
Once you’ve completed this list, I want you to perform a burning or paper-shredding ceremony and say good-bye to those experiences. (If you’re a regular reader of my articles, you’ve probably noticed that I occasionally give you homework.)
STEP #3: Read a book or story that sheds a positive light on marriage. I would highly recommend you read the book, A Case for Marriage written by L. Waite and M. Gallagher. (I’m just about finished with the book myself—hence the articles…)
STEP #4: Move toward positive influences by watching the TV shows & movies that uphold the sanctity of marriage. There really are movies that portray happily married couples who remain faithful to each other throughout the movie.
STEP #5: Find a happily married couple and get to know them. If you don’t know anyone who fits this description, ask your friends, relatives or minister to suggest someone. Ask them to have lunch with you and tell them that you’re working on a special assignment for a class and that you would like to interview them about their relationship. Ask them how they met (couples love to tell their story) and ask them to tell you what they think is the best thing about being married. This couple may end up becoming a positive influence in your life—and who knows, they might even know someone that would be compatible for you.
A "graduate" of my workshops (who is currently engaged to be married) had this to say after reading my July article, and I can’t think of a better way to end this article:
"The so-called dull and boring feeling is simply mislabeled…it is the foundation of love consisting of comfort, reliability, a healthy needing of each other and personal responsibility. I have learned that each stage of relationship that I used to be scared of…is actually more exciting than I ever could have imagined. The quiet times (or less passionate and exciting times) are times of resting in knowing that the relationship is solid, forever, comfortable in a wonderful way (a way that it will always be there), and solid in commitment. I used to laugh at couples that sat in restaurants, didn’t talk to each other and had solemn looks on their faces. What I have come to realize is that they don’t always have to talk and interact…often it means that they are totally content with each other’s company and that’s all they need to feel their love, passion about each other and commitment."
Proverbs 14:30 – A heart at peace gives life to the body.