By Melody Ellenberger
Let’s suppose that you’ve been single for several years and have lived alone that entire time. However, you have reached the point where you are tired of always waking up alone, eating alone, doing all the housework and taking care of all the repairs. You are wondering what it would be like to be married, but because of all your years of living alone, you are not sure if you would make a good partner in the "domestic" sense or be able to pick a partner with whom you could peacefully co-exist under the same roof.
So, how do you know if you would enjoy living with someone without living with him/her prior to marriage? Premarital cohabitation isn’t the only answer and can be very risky. It is important to be aware of the following statistics regarding cohabitation.
1. There is a higher rate of breakup in cohabitation than in marriage. In fact, the breakup rate is about 85%
2. The domestic violence rate between cohabitors is higher than that between spouses.
3. The infidelity rate is higher among cohabitors than among married couples.
4. Women who cohabitate have rates for depression almost three times higher than married women.
5. According to surveys, sexual satisfaction is much lower among cohabitors than among married couples.
The other way to determine domestic compatibility is to pay attention to the following issues and to sit down and talk with your partner about all the issues of sharing a home.
Is your date’s home comfortably clean? A really messy and dirty home should be a red flag. It could be a sign that the person is lazy and hates to clean, or thinks that doing housework is beneath him. In that case, you can be sure that you will be the one doing all the housework, or you will have to hire someone to do it, if you get married. Is that something you can live with for the rest of your life? On the other hand, it can also be difficult living with someone who is a "neat freak," so pay attention to how much time she spends cleaning her house.
Is your date’s home tastefully decorated? How are the walls decorated? What kinds of knick-knacks are displayed? How does the furniture look? If the person you are dating has very different decorating tastes, then you will need to talk about how attached each of you are to your material belongings. Be careful not to assume that how his home is decorated now reflects his true tastes. How would you decorate your shared home? How much would you be able to afford together on furnishings? (Of course, you would not want to have this type of conversation too early in your relationship.)
What kinds of books/magazines, CDs and DVDs are displayed? Books/magazines and other media tell you a lot about a person’s values and beliefs. Are these congruent with your values/beliefs?
Does your date show any willingness to help you with a home project? Helpfulness is a very important quality and one that can be cultivated. Marriages have a difficult time surviving without an attitude of helpfulness. Ask her to help you with a small, simple project and see how well the two of you work together.
Does your date treat your belongings with respect? How your date treats your stuff could show you how he will eventually treat you. Also pay attention to how upset your dating partner gets if you accidentally spill something in his place. Does the tablecloth or carpet seem to be a lot more important than you? You can also tell how materialistic a person is by how she talks about her furnishings. Does your date tell you how much she paid for each item, or does she tell you an interesting story of how it came into her possession?
Does your date eat the same types of food that you do? It’s much easier to cook the same thing for two people most of the time. It could be a lot more time-consuming to cook different things for each of you all the time. Also, pay attention to how well the two of you work together in the kitchen. Is your date willing to leave certain foods unseasoned if you don’t like as much or different seasonings on your food? If your date doesn’t like or know how to cook, will he take you out to eat once in a while, or will you be expected to cook all the meals if you get married?
Is your date comfortable talking about his/her home life and cleaning habits? You could have a conversation about this even before you see each other’s homes. For compatibility reasons, it is important to learn about each other’s home life. For instance, you could ask, "What do you like to do when you first get home from work?" or "What is your least favorite room to clean?"
If you are visiting your date’s home, is he/she a polite host/hostess? Upon arriving, does your date ask you if you’d like something to drink or do you always have to ask? Are they willing to adjust the thermostat a little in order to make you more comfortable? Etiquette is important and shows a caring and unselfish spirit.
You may be feeling a little overwhelmed after reading this and are now thinking it would be easier to just continue living alone. Before you resign yourself to that notion, I want to share the following e-mail I received from a woman who has been married for 48 years…
When I had heart by-pass surgery four years ago, it was perfectly plain to me that without someone living in the house to care for me 18 hours a day and love me 24, I wouldn’t have made it! Honesty, I was totally hurt and unable to care for myself. In that respect, I pity those who do not have a special someone in their lives. What happens to them when disaster strikes?
One day while my husband was tying my shoes because I was unable to lean over and put both hands together due to the fact that my sternum had been cut through and was healing for two months just like any other broken bone, I watched him and said, "How do people who are alone make it?" He said, "They do everything for themselves, or they die." Pretty cold, but pretty accurate! I could not drive the car for six weeks. Who would have brought food into the house? I could not lift anything over three pounds, and I could only come down the stairs once in the morning and go up once at night. The laundry was in the basement, so forget carrying down dirty clothes and bringing up clean ones… I became depressed, felt I’d never be well again, and then he would come into the room with a nice dinner on a tray and sit with me while I ate. If I live to be one hundred years old, I’ll never forget how he cared for me. I still get weepy thinking about it.
Ephesians 5:15&21 - Be very careful, then, how you live–not as unwise but as wise. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.