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By Melody
Ellenberger
There have been many
articles written about why it is important to save sexually intimacy for
marriage, but very few give specific information about HOW to "save it" for the
wedding night. I believe this is one of the reasons many singles struggle in
this area. It’s not that they don’t have the capacity to "save it," it’s that
they haven’t been taught HOW to "save it." So, let’s look at some ideas about
HOW to remain sexually pure until marriage.
First, I’d like you
to think back to a time in your past when you gave into sexual temptation.
Think about how you would answer the following questions:
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__ Were you feeling lonely, sad,
frustrated, angry? |
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__ Were you thinking about how long it
had been since you had any affection? |
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__ Were you still wounded from your
last break up? |
- How would you rate your
self-esteem PRIOR to the temptation?
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__ Were you feeling unattractive and
unlovable? |
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__ Were you upset from a recent breakup? |
- How would you rate your
self-esteem AFTER the temptation?
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__ Did you feel like a deflated tire
that had just been pumped with fresh air? |
- What was the atmosphere or the
scene around you at the time of the temptation? Where were you? How were
the people behaving around you?
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__ Were you in a bar? |
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__ Were you dancing? |
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__ Were you at the office working late
with a sexy co-worker? |
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__ Were you at a private party where
the people around you were drinking and engaging in heavy
flirtation? |
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__ Were you
in a home atmosphere? |
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Were you wearing revealing
clothes?
- How
many alcoholic drinks had you consumed at the time you decided to give in to
the temptation?
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More than 2 drinks?
- What
were the circumstances of the temptation?
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__ Were you making or receiving the
proposition? |
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__ Were you asked to follow him/her
home? Or did you invite the person to your place? Or did you just
go for a drive together? |
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__ Were you invited to dinner at
his/her place early in the dating relationship and arrive to find
the place bathed in candlelight and Marvin Gaye playing on the
stereo? |
With your answers to
the above questions in mind, let’s now look at healthy strategies that will help
you guard your purity.
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Realize your emotional condition has a
lot to do with how likely you are to give in to sexual temptation.
You are most vulnerable when your self-esteem and self-worth are at a low
point. Find healthy ways to boost your ego, instead of sex. There are many
things you can do that will help you feel good about yourself.
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Confine your interactions with a new
dating partner to public places for at least the first 2 months.
Why? The best way to avoid temptation is to avoid tempting situations.
When you are alone in private with someone new that you are very attracted
to, it is much more difficult to decline a sexual advance. Also, I believe
it’s against the law to have sex in a public place, isn’t it? There’s also
a sense of safety when you meet in a public place. During those first two
months, have a conversation or two about the values and morals that you live
by. When you feel confident that your dating partner understands your
morals/values, respects them and agrees with them, then you can try meeting
in a private setting. Remember, trust and respect are built when you see
consistent behavior over several months.
- Meet your new
dating partner at the date location for at least the first few weeks.
The reasoning behind this is similar to number 2 above. If you just met the
person you are dating, then you barely know them. It is very risky to give
out your home address and get into a car with someone you barely know.
Also, lots of intimate things can happen inside a car, right? WARNING:
This boundary is one that meets with lots of resistance. Please keep in
mind that if this new person is offended and does not understand and respect
your safety needs, stop dating him/her. A person who doesn’t show you
respect at the very beginning will not likely show you much respect later
on.
- Avoid being
sexually flirtatious or having explicit conversations about sex with your
new dating partner during at least the first couple of months.
This kind of conversation and flirtatiousness sends the wrong message. It
says, "The only thing I think about and am really interested in is sex." Is
that what you want your dating partner to think? Of course it is important
to eventually have a conversation about sex, but wait until you know you
have compatibility in the other areas (i.e., lifestyle, conversation style,
emotional style, financial style, social style, spiritual style,
hobbies/interests, etc.).
- Avoid wearing
revealing clothing. Obviously, this one applies
mainly to women. Revealing clothes (i.e. super short skirts/dresses, super
tight pants/skirts/dresses, tops/dresses that reveal bulging cleavage, etc.)
also send the wrong message. They say, "I’m trying to make myself as
sexually attractive as possible so that you will jump my bones." It’s
difficult for a man to concentrate on your inner beauty when your exterior
is screaming. There’s plenty of time to wear sexy clothes after you are
married—when you can think about sex with your spouse all you want.
- Limit your
alcohol consumption to no more than 2 drinks in an evening.
Alcohol slows down the brain activity that controls judgment and
inhibitions. It makes you more aggressive, self-disclosing and sexually
daring. Whatever urges you feel when sober, you are more likely to act upon
if intoxicated.
- Strengthen your
resolve to remain pure by reading books that emphasize the importance of
sexual purity. There are several books on this
subject and one that I highly recommend is The Power of Passion. You
may also want to join a singles Bible study. Surrounding yourself with
friends who share the same high morals will help you to feel supported in
your resolve to remain pure.
Lastly, I encourage you not to give up on purity just
because the next person you date dumps you when he/she learns you are saving it
until the wedding night. Eventually, you will meet someone who is looking for
the same kind of relationship you are and you will both be glad you waited.
1 Timothy 4:12
- … set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and
in purity.
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