Unique Speed Dating Events and Personal Growth Classes for Singles in Denver & Beyond
"Celebrating 10 years of transitioning singles to couples."
Phone: (303) 750-2208 E-mail: melody@singlesworkshops.com
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Unique Speed Dating Events and Personal Growth Classes for Singles in Denver & Beyond "Celebrating 10 years of transitioning singles to couples." Phone: (303) 750-2208 E-mail: melody@singlesworkshops.com
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By Melody Ellenberger Have you ever dated someone and realized that they weren’t really over their previous relationship? Did you notice this within the first few dates and end the dating relationship? A person who doesn’t have closure on a past relationship is not emotionally available for a new one. Early recognition of the following signs can help you avoid another heartbreak. The ending of a relationship consists of Three Mourning Stages. Knowledge of these stages could be the most important skill in today’s world of dating, given that there are so many emotionally wounded people in America. This term may be applied to people who were in an intimate relationship of any duration. Also, I think you will realize that one of the main reasons for the high failure rate of second marriages is that one or both parties did not work through all three mourning stages of a previous relationship. In talking with a single person, it is important to pay attention to more than just what they say. You need to listen to their tone of voice, the expression of emotion on their face, and their body language. The First Stage, denial, is still present when you hear the person say, "I just don’t know what went wrong" or "I can’t believe it’s over—I thought we were happy." The facial expression is one of bewilderment and the body language is closed. Then the person will share a happy memory from the relationship. It is also common to hear the person talk about recent contact with the ex-partner. You can sense that there is still a strong connection to the former partner. Postponing the legal divorce could be a sign that at least one of the parties is stuck in denial. Obviously, there is still hope for reconciliation. The Second Stage is unresolved anger that alternates with feelings of depression. The depression tends to come before the anger, but can linger off and on. While depressed, the person appears lethargic and doesn’t show much emotion. Unfortunately, an excessive behavior such as drinking, eating, gambling and/or shopping is often used to climb out of the depression. Of course, negative talk regarding the ex-partner is obvious to recognize as anger. The less obvious means of showing unresolved anger is negative talk about the opposite sex in general. I often hear phrases that begin, "All men are…" or "All women are…" Put-down jokes are another subtle means of showing unresolved anger. Here is an example. A former girlfriend and I were having difficulty attaching a bike carrier to the back of my vehicle. She said, "You know this thing must have been made by a man because it’s absolutely worthless!" She laughed—I didn’t (notice I used the word "former"). You have not yet accomplished closure as long as you view the ex-partner as an enemy or object of ongoing anger, because preoccupation with your ex-partner, along with bitterness and contempt, are emotions of a continuing relationship. The Third Stage is taking responsibility for your part in the demise of the relationship. You are able to forgive your partner and yourself, and get on with your life. It takes a lot of courage to reach the third stage because you have to face the emotions of guilt and shame to get through it. However, a mature person knows that those emotions are necessary in order to determine right from wrong, appropriate from inappropriate, healthy from unhealthy. When someone asks me about my last relationship, I try to always respond, "My last relationship taught me several things…" The person who has worked through the third stage appears calmer and happier. They wear a smile more often than a frown. They talk positively about the present or the future, rather than the negatives of the past. Their body language and conversation show confidence. When they talk about a recent difficulty, they say how they coped and got through it. Closure is complete when the thought of what your former partner did or did not do just doesn’t matter to you, and you find that you rarely think about them or talk about them anymore. Now, you're probably thinking, "So why do so many people never make it to the Third Stage?" Because reaching the Third Stage means you're healing; and if you're healing, then you're becoming vulnerable again. And if you're vulnerable again, you may get hurt again... It's more comfortable to keep people at a distance and feel safe, than it is to let people get close and risk getting hurt again. Wisdom is realizing that distance isn't really that comfortable and is, in fact, more hurtful. Wisdom is also seeking relationship education so that you can make healthier choices and avoid future heartbreaks. Luke 6:45 – Good people bring good things out of the good stored up in their heart…for out of the overflow of their heart, their mouth speaks. |
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