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"HOW TO STAY SEXUALLY PURE
UNTIL MARRIAGE"
By Melody Ellenberger
There have been many articles written about why it is important to save sexually
intimacy for marriage, but very few give specific information about HOW to
"save it" for the wedding night. I believe this is one of the
reasons many singles struggle in this area. It’s not that they don’t
have the capacity to "save it," it’s that they haven’t been taught
HOW to "save it." So, let’s look at some ideas about HOW to
remain sexually pure until marriage.
First, I’d like you to think back to a time in your past when you gave into
sexual temptation. Think about how you would answer the following
questions:
 | What emotions were you experiencing
just prior to the temptation?
 | Were you feeling lonely, sad,
frustrated, angry? |
| Were you thinking about how long
it had been since you had any affection? |
| Were you still wounded from your
last break up? |
|
| How would you rate your self-esteem
PRIOR to the temptation?
| Were you feeling unattractive and
unlovable? |
|
| How would you rate your self-esteem
AFTER the temptation?
| Did you feel like a deflated tire
that had just been pumped with fresh air? |
|
| What was the atmosphere or the
scene around you at the time of the temptation? Where were you?
How were the people behaving around you?
| Were you in a bar? |
| Were you dancing? |
| Were you at the office working
late with a sexy co-worker? |
| Were you at a private party where
the people around you were drinking and engaging in heavy flirtation? |
|
| What were you wearing?
| Were you wearing revealing
clothes? |
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| How many alcoholic drinks had you
consumed at the time you decided to give in to the temptation?
| More than 2 drinks? |
|
| What were the circumstances of the
temptation?
| Were you making or receiving the
proposition? |
| Were you asked to follow him/her
home? Or did you invite the person to your place? Or did you
just go for a drive together? |
| Were you invited to dinner at
his/her place early in the dating relationship and arrive to find the
place bathed in candlelight and Marvin Gaye playing on the stereo? |
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With your answers to the above questions in mind, let’s now look at healthy
strategies that will help you guard your purity.
- Realize your emotional condition has a
lot to do with how likely you are to give in to sexual temptation.
You are most vulnerable when your self-esteem and self-worth are at a low
point. Find healthy ways to boost your ego, instead of sex. There
are many things you can do that will help you feel good about yourself.
- Confine your interactions with a new
dating partner to public places for at least the first 2 months.
Why? The best way to avoid temptation is to avoid tempting
situations. When you are alone in private with someone new that you are
very attracted to, it is much more difficult to decline a sexual
advance. Also, I believe it’s against the law to have sex in a public
place, isn’t it? There’s also a sense of safety when you meet in a
public place. During those first two months, have a conversation or two
about the values and morals that you live by. When you feel confident
that your dating partner understands your morals/values, respects them and
agrees with them, then you can try meeting in a private setting.
Remember, trust and respect are built when you see consistent behavior over
several months.
- Meet your new dating partner at the
date location for at least the first few weeks.
The reasoning behind this is similar to number 2 above. If you just met
the person you are dating, then you barely know them. It is very risky
to give out your home address and get into a car with someone you barely
know. Also, lots of intimate things can happen inside a car, right? WARNING:
This boundary is one that meets with lots of resistance. Please keep in
mind that if this new person is offended and does not understand and respect
your safety needs, stop dating him/her. A person who doesn’t show you
respect at the very beginning will not likely show you much respect later on.
- Avoid being sexually flirtatious or
having explicit conversations about sex with your new dating partner during
at least the first couple of months.
This kind of conversation and flirtatiousness sends the wrong message.
It says, "The only thing I think about and am really interested in is
sex." Is that what you want your dating partner to think? Of
course it is important to eventually have a conversation about sex, but wait
until you know you have compatibility in the other areas (i.e., lifestyle,
conversation style, emotional style, financial style, social style, spiritual
style, hobbies/interests, etc.).
- Avoid wearing revealing clothing.
Obviously, this one applies mainly to women. Revealing clothes (i.e.
super short skirts/dresses, super tight pants/skirts/dresses, tops/dresses
that reveal bulging cleavage, etc.) also send the wrong message. They
say, "I’m trying to make myself as sexually attractive as possible so
that you will jump my bones." It’s difficult for a man to
concentrate on your inner beauty when your exterior is screaming. There’s
plenty of time to wear sexy clothes after you are married—when you can think
about sex with your spouse all you want.
- Limit your alcohol consumption to no
more than 2 drinks in an evening.
Alcohol slows down the brain activity that controls judgment and
inhibitions. It makes you more aggressive, self-disclosing and sexually
daring. Whatever urges you feel when sober, you are more likely to act
upon if intoxicated.
- Strengthen your resolve to remain pure
by reading books that emphasize the importance of sexual purity.
There are several books on this subject and one that I highly recommend is The
Power of Passion. You may also want to join a singles Bible
study. Surrounding yourself with friends who share the same high morals
will help you to feel supported in your resolve to remain pure.
Lastly, I encourage you not to give up on purity just because the next person
you date dumps you when he/she learns you are saving it until the wedding
night. Eventually, you will meet someone who is looking for the same kind
of relationship you are and you will both be glad you waited.
1 Timothy 4:12
- … set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and
in purity. |