By Melody Ellenberger

   Spring is not only a great time for cleaning your house, it is also a great time to clean out the wounded places in your heart.   

    First, what is "emotional baggage?"  Here is my definition:  events that a person thinks and/or talks about frequently, that happened during childhood and/or adulthood, that still create emotional pain and cause a strong show of emotion.

    Second, how do you know if you or someone you are dating has emotional baggage?  Almost everyone has a little emotional baggage, and many of us have a LOT of emotional baggage.  This issue is one of the biggest blocks to intimacy.  It also tends to be the issue that single people are most in denial about.  Let me give you an example…

    Several months ago I had a conversation with a divorced woman who claimed she had no baggage.  After a while, she finally said, "I just don’t want to ever live with a man again because I don’t want to have to pick up after him."  Obviously, this woman had been married to a slob, and her baggage was in thinking that ANY man she would live with would be a slob, which was based on her PAST experience.  Unfortunately, this woman’s baggage will keep her from experiencing a healthy, loving marriage, as it hasn’t occurred to her that there may be tidy men out there, and that she might do a better job next time of choosing THOSE kind of men.  Instead, her baggage has convinced her that tidy men don’t exist and that she can live without everyday affectionate touch.  How sad!

    The secret to recognizing emotional baggage is paying attention to what a person says and the emotions that are reflected on his/her face.  Do they wear frowns more often than smiles?  Do they tend to quickly become defensive?  Are they easily offended?  Do they quickly voice criticism?  Do they have a substance addiction?  Are they obviously suffering from an emotional illness (i.e. depression) and refuse to seek help?  These people are what we call the "walking wounded."  Then there are the people who do not "wear" their emotional baggage.  On the outside, they appear to be relatively happy people.  But if you pay close attention to the things they say, you will hear them subtly leak their baggage.

    Third, how do you dispose of the baggage?  You begin by coming out of denial, perhaps by reading an article such as this.  Next, some people find it very helpful to write a list of the painful memories.  No, it’s not easy to do, so do it gradually—one memory every day or so.  Next, you may want to sit down with a close friend or therapist and talk through these memories.  Be sure to tell the other person that their role is to just listen and empathize and give you a hug when you’re done.  Then you could perform a burning ceremony where you say, "Thank you for the lessons you taught me.  I don’t need you any more.  I no longer live in the darkness of pain.  I choose the light."  Then torch the baggage.  

    Fourth, why is it so important to dispose of the baggage?  The first 18 years have a tremendous impact on how we live the rest of our lives.  In fact, subconsciously, I think we try to recreate those first 18 years in the various relationships we have as adults--whether or not those first 18 years were healthy and happy, and in many cases, they were not.  We seek partners who remind us of one of our parents, because that is whom we’re used to.  But in only having intimate relationships with partners who remind us of our family of origin, we are not allowing ourselves to grow and evolve.  "If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten."  

    This spring…choose the light!