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Unique Speed Dating Events and Dating Preparation Classes for Singles "Celebrating 11 years of helping Singles DATE BETTER so they don't date forever." E-mail: melody@singlesworkshops.com |
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"THE CURE FOR COMMITMENT PHOBIA" By Melody Ellenberger The most common relationship malaise that I hear about over and over again is primarily from women. Here’s the scenario: A woman starts dating a new guy who is just crazy about her. The man proclaims to the woman that she would make the perfect wife. She is swept away by his passionate longings and becomes his lover within a month or two without any mention of any type of commitment. They continue to date for 12 to 18 months at which point the woman assumes that her lover will eventually ask her to marry him, or at least cohabitate with him. When he doesn’t ask within the expected time frame, the woman dumps him, brands him a "commitment phobe" and whines to her friends about how she was just used for free and easy sex. Dr. Phil did a show entitled "Commitment Phobia" a few of years ago and shared the following:
Sex is either consensual or it is rape. There is no gray area here. It’s one or the other period. A large majority of men have absolutely no desire to rape a woman. That’s because the biggest turn-on for a man is a willing, turned-on partner. So, if you are a woman who was freely engaging in sex with your boyfriend, it is totally wrong for you to accuse your partner of just using you for sex. You were both using each other for the pleasure that you experienced through sex. A lot of women complain about the "double standard." It’s ok for a single man to have sex whenever he wants, but it’s not ok for a woman. Well, if you live by high moral values, you will realize that it’s not ok for EITHER a single man or a single woman to be sexually promiscuous. The dangers of this type of lifestyle affect both men and women. The more sex partners a person has, the greater chance of contracting an STD, not to mention the greater amount of emotional baggage. Do you really want to marry a person who has been living a high-risk lifestyle? I believe that women set the moral level of our society. Women hold the power to turn things around and recreate men’s motivation for marriage. If a woman says, "No, let’s wait until we’ve made a commitment," an honorable man will stop his advances. A dishonorable man will hear that as a challenge and will work hard to convince the woman to throw her morals out the window. Of course, the woman’s big fear is that the man will quit dating her altogether. If that is the action he takes, then he is not the sort of man she should date anyway—if she truly wants to get married. I ran across a quote that was published about 20 years ago in Cosmopolitan magazine, and it is amazing how current is still sounds: "What does all this mean in a discussion of the New Chastity? What it means I think is that despite the Pill, legalized abortion and economic freedom, our own bodies are trying to tell us something. They don’t necessarily want to be tossed around like lost luggage on an around the world plane trip. That’s why maybe after a long night of good times—six orgasms say--with a Patrick Swayze look-a-like, when you get up and weigh yourself and find you’ve even lost two pounds from the exertion, and he left at 5:00 in the morning, and he said he’d call, and you even work in the same office with him so…but you go out to the kitchen for some coffee or something, some place in your body feels like if it could cry, it would cry. It’s not your sex organs feeling bad. It may not even be your heart. It’s in the vicinity of your lungs, your solar plexus, where some Eastern religions suggest your soul resides. In other words, recreational sex is not soul food." Is it any wonder that sexually active unmarried women are almost four times more likely to be under psychiatric care, or that cohabiting women have rates for depression three times higher than married women? Every time you engage in premarital sex, you are sabotaging the relationship. Sex outside of marriage fosters a false sense of intimacy, which feels really good at the time, but is only a fabrication based on how we think we should feel when we’re having sex. This false sense of intimacy inhibits any natural interaction necessary for true intimacy. You hold back thoughts, beliefs and opinions (your core identity) because you don’t want to ruin the chance for that wonderful orgasm later on. I know what you’re thinking, "There are no men out there who are willing to wait till the wedding night." You only believe that because it gives you a reason to continue your uncommitted sexual lifestyle. I have met several men who have told me that they believe in waiting, and I think there are more honorable men out there than you realize. If you’re still not convinced, then look at the statistics. Yes, there’s a 50% divorce rate, but the rate of breakup among people who cohabitate is currently about 90%. In other words, the easier the relationship is to get out of, the less commitment there is, and the higher the rate of breakup. In an article entitled, "Is Premarital Sex Worth It?", the author quotes "the more promiscuous you are before marriage, the more likely you are to commit adultery after marriage. (The sexually self-indulgent have had no practice in self-restraint.) Studies also show that those who have premarital sex are most likely not to get married and if they do get married; they are more likely to divorce than those who have not had premarital sex." The article further says, "A poll taken by the Family Research Council a few years ago found that 72 percent of all married ‘traditionalists’ (those who ‘strongly’ believe out of wedlock sex is wrong) report high sexual satisfaction. This is…roughly 31 percentage points higher than the level registered by unmarried ‘non-traditionalists’ (those who have no or only some objection to sex outside of marriage). To read the entire above-mentioned article, click here. So, in my opinion, the cure for Commitment Phobia is for women to adopt a sacred, spiritual attitude toward sex and require that men wait. Because if more women require that men wait, more men will wait. Remember, there is only one other alternative. I believe that men will then in turn likewise adopt a more sacred attitude toward sex. The next question, of course, is how long should women require that men wait? The only answer I can give you is to wait until the wedding night. The type of man that has the courage and faith to restrain himself until the wedding night is the type of man with the strength of character that it takes to be a faithful husband. Think about this for a minute. Compare the courage it takes to have a private conversation where you both agree to be monogamous vs. the courage it takes to stand up in front of family, friends and God and vow to forsake all others. Think about how special and exciting a wedding night will be if you wait. Think about the deep sense of love and security you will feel. Think about the passionate, sacred, and spiritual connection you will feel… Psalm 51:10 – Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. |
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