Unique Speed Dating Events and Personal Growth Classes for Singles in Denver & Beyond

"Celebrating 10 years of transitioning singles to couples."

Phone: (303) 750-2208   E-mail: melody@singlesworkshops.com

By Melody Ellenberger

    The last article ended with the question, "How do you break out of Player mode?"  The answer was: take at least a six-month "dating break."  For anyone to believe that you are trying to break a pattern, you must look like you are not still in the pattern.  In other words, quit trying to "play" anyone of the opposite sex.  If you are someone who has always felt like you were "played," remember it takes two to tango.

    "What is a Six-month Dating Break?"  It is a period of time where you do not date anyone.  You could also think of it as a "romance break."  In order for this break to truly work, you should avoid situations where you would be alone with someone of the opposite sex—especially someone you find physically attractive.  The best way to avoid temptation is to avoid tempting situations.  This doesn’t mean you live like a hermit for six months with no social life.  It is a good time to reconnect with your same-sex friends or enjoy group interactions in a safe environment. 

    The second question you are probably asking is, "Why six months?"  Because you are trying to break a pattern.  If you’ve spent the last several years going from one short-term romance (less than 24 months) to another, and the period of time between each romance was less than six months, YOU NEED A BREAK!  And, you need to TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT!

    If you’re not sure about the psychological answer, then here’s a biological answer: If you have been a "short-termer," then you have probably become an "attraction junkie."  This is the term used to describe people who are addicted to the chemical, PEA (phenylethylamine), which is produced by your body when you lust for someone you find physically attractive.  PEA is your body’s natural amphetamine and gives you the excited "high" feeling.  However, it only lasts about six months to two years while you are with that same person. Once the chemical starts to wane, an attraction junkie feels like they are no longer "in love" with that person, so they move on to someone new—so they can get a new "high."  Being in a constant state of excitement is stressful to your body, so the six-month break gives your body the rest it desperately needs.

    In order to break out of the pattern, not only do you need to avoid dating, you must also halt the following behavior during those six months:

Flirting or flirting back

Sexual innuendoes (not limited to in-person contact, but also over the phone or in e-mails)

Flirty touches (I don’t need to describe these, do I?)

Flirty eye contact: undressing someone with your eyes

Slow dances where there is no daylight between the two of you

In other words, avoid the behavior that makes you look like a sexual predator.

    Now, here’s the good part.  Now you get to replace the "player" behavior with behavior that nourishes your soul and heals your spirit.  You get to spend time learning about things that excite you that have nothing to do with sexual gratification.  When you do this, your world will triple in size!

    Here’s an example of a list of things you could do to fill the time you would normally spend dating:

Volunteer for a charity

Go for a bike ride with friends

Go for long walks

Organize your closets

Help a friend with a project

Go to church

Create a "dream life" album (cut out words and pictures from magazines that describe the kind of life you want to live—include pictures that describe your ideal self, partner, home, clothes, food, vacation spots, etc.)

Attend a relationship skills workshop or personal growth seminar

    "What if I meet someone I want to date or get asked out on a date during those six months?"  Explain to the person that you are on a "dating break" right now and are giving yourself some time to learn and grow.  An "attraction junkie" will respond by acting offended, hurt and rejected. They will continue to come on to you and try to talk you into a date.  Be strong and don’t let them manipulate you.  An emotionally healthy person will respond by saying, "That’s a very healthy and courageous thing to do.  I really admire your strength.  And after those six months are up, here’s my number.  I’d really like to hear what you learned about yourself."  If that person is meant to be in your life, they will still be available at the end of those six months.

Zephaniah 3:17 – "The Lord your God is in your midst. God will rejoice to cover you with gladness, God will renew you in his love.

Send mail to melody@singlesworkshops.com with questions or comments about this web site.
Copyright © 1998 Melody Ellenberger
Last modified: 08/12/08 / Site created:  1/06/02